If you grew up in an abusive environment the challenges will be greater and professional help may be needed. The American Psychological Association states:
We have a lifetime of habitual behavioral patterns that we’re really good at. However old you are, that’s how much practice you have with your current mode of living. That’s the bad news. The good news is look how good you are at it! You can be just as good at resilient thinking with the same amount of practice. It’s a lifetime goal and, believe me, I’m on the path with you.
If you lost your job and had a family to support you would
probably start looking for a new job. Even if you didn’t land the job of your
dreams you would take something in the interest of bringing money in ASAP.
That is an extreme example where most people would exercise
resilience because it’s do or die.
In the smaller day-to-day life moments, resilience doesn’t
always kick in as a reflex. If we don’t get the job we want, or our
relationship ends, or a stranger treats us rudely it can ruin our day.
The good news is resilience is not a gene. It’s not an
“either you have it or you don’t” scenario. One person may have a natural
proclivity toward resilience but it ultimately comes down to choice, and
choices are voluntary, though they may not always feel like it in the heat of
the moment.
So what do we do?
1. Stop cognitive distortions in their tracks.
These are beliefs we convince ourselves are true that
reinforce negative thinking. Challenge the distortion to reframe your thinking
into a resilient mode.
Let’s take a flight delay as an exercise in challenging one
type of cognitive distortion (overgeneralizing):
What is my problematic belief? Bad stuff always happens to
me.
What evidence supports my belief? The flight delay is an
inconvenience.
What is a better explanation for what happened? It’s not
just happening to me, it’s happening to everyone.
What are the consequences of this belief? Anger and stress
have sent me into a tailspin.
What would happen if I changed my belief right now? I could
enjoy a nice dinner and catch up on work and calls at the airport.
What are my new core beliefs? S — t happens! I can manage
inconvenience better.
2. Reframe setbacks as opportunities for growth.
Non-resilient: I didn’t get the job. I’ll never amount to
anything.
Resilient: I didn’t get the job. Maybe it’s not the right
place for me. Let me pull my resources together and see what other
opportunities are out there for me.
Resilient people recognize the futility — consciously or
unconsciously — of fretting over something that can’t be changed. They also
look for lessons that might be learned from the setback. Did it happen because
of something I did? If so, what might I do differently next time? Did the
setback force me to change course? If so, is there a benefit to the new course?
3. View setbacks as impermanent.
Non-resilient: We lost a valuable employee, so the company
is going to hell.
Resilient: We lost a valuable employee, but we can find
someone just as valuable who may offer a new set of skills that we didn’t even
realize we needed.
Once you realize that setbacks are temporary there’s no need
to throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you lose one beloved employee or
customer, it’s sad and it’s a setback (I’ve experienced it myself!) but it’s
not the end of your success; conversely, nor is it the last time it will ever
happen to you. Acknowledge the setback and move on. Stay flexible; change is a
part of life.
4. Manage your strong feelings and impulses.
Non-resilient: I am going to take my anger out on someone.
Resilient: I am angry but I need to move on and stay
focused.
Resilient people experience anger; it just doesn’t consume
them. We all have this ability, if we so choose. You have to want to move on
though. It can feel good to nurture the self-pity, the anger, and the blame.
You can go down that road but that road never ends. Acknowledge the feelings
and try to move on. In fact, it turns out when you acknowledge feelings it
lessens their intensity.
Dr. Matthew D. Lieberman, a research psychologist at UCLA,
found that naming an emotion helps to reduce its impact. His lab calls it
Affect Labeling. When we name an emotion, activity in the part of the brain
that is responsible for vigilance and discrimination (right ventrolateral
prefrontal cortex) increases while activity in the part of the brain that
processes emotion (amygdala) decreases. Essentially, naming the emotion gives
you power over the emotion while indulging the emotion gives it power over you.
5. Focus on events you can control.
Non-resilient: This traffic is ruining my life.
Resilient: Since I’m stuck in traffic I will sketch out
ideas for my next project.
Some aspects of life are out of your control. Accepting this
doesn’t make you weak; it makes you smart. You can control what you focus on
and how long you allow yourself to suffer. When you focus on the external world
— particularly when blame enters the picture — you run into trouble. Start with
yourself. Focus on your own reactions and your own ability to influence events.
6. Don’t see yourself as a victim.
Non-resilient: Bad stuff always happens to me.
Resilient: It’s not just happening to me, it’s happening to
everyone.
“Why me?” is another way of saying “This should have
happened to you.” Being human means positive and negative things will happen to
you. If you experience a series of consecutive setbacks, the resilient thing to
do would be to look at your own actions and behaviors. Might there be something
you’re doing that is bringing on the misfortune? Even if not, know it’s
temporary and stay on course to the best of your ability. This is most difficult
in times of loss, so I don’t say it lightly but you don’t have to be miserable
forever.
7. Commit to all aspects of your life.
Non-resilient: Once I have the job I want I will focus on my
family and friends.
Resilient: The success of one area of my life depends on the
success on all areas of my life.
The success of each part of our lives depends on the success
of all the other parts. If our family life is in turmoil it will affect our
work life and vice versa. If we do not exercise it will affect our stamina — as
well as our mindset. We can set smart, achievable goals for all aspects of our
lives so that all parts are working with — and for — each other.
For instance, we can make a commitment to exercise
throughout the week; we can ensure that we make time for our family and
friends; we can make a little progress each day toward one of our goals. If you
experience a setback toward your goals, set a new path toward that goal; the
most important part is the commitment.
8. Have a positive outlook of the future.
Non-resilient: If our marketing budget declines second
quarter, we’ll go out of business.
Resilient: What can I do to make sure our marketing budget
doesn’t decline second quarter and if it does what can I do to ensure we don’t
go out of business?
Cultivate a growth mindset, which ultimately involves the
desire to be open to learning and change. Things will start to feel like
they’re going your way when you believe that you can effect change for
yourself. Remember: you want to be happy, so cultivate a perspective that
supports your desire.
