1. yes, I am afraid of messing up. Especially at work and in relationship with Jess. I'm afraid to make a move thinking it will be wrong or not worth it...so I stay frozen. Lord please help me to move. Lord let your love compel and control me. I need your help to choose to love. It seems too big and too scary but it's one step at a time. Help me to take the step you desire for me to take today. Help me to listen to you tonight. Please take my  actions and my thoughts.

2.What am I trying to prove Lord? That I would be a good wife? I can't do it apart from you. You are the only thing that is good in me. Why am I trying to earn it? By being beautiful, godly, good at wifey things. Lord I surrender. Please create a heart in me that longs for only you and desires to serve you at the basic level. I give you my dreams of graphic design/photo/fame/position/power/marriage/ambition/travel.

Please let my ambition be for you and you alone.


2 Cor 5:9-10
Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.

For all of us must appear before the judgment seat of the Messiah, so that each of us may receive what he deserves for what he has done in his body, whether good or worthless. 

2 Cor 5:14
Christ's love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.

He responds

"what are you trying to prove?"

His response

"you're afraid of messing up."

Tude

Lord, I have a bad attitude. I'm not sure why, but I need your help to get out of it.

I'm pissed off at getting passed over for leadership positions. Like coordinator or prayer coordinator.

It makes me feel like I am not capable.

I'm pissed off about the house card and there only being one.

I'm mad at Becca complaining and Jen complaining yesterday and Joe complaining. I felt like  sea of negativity. Help me to be compassionate and to listen and to know how to address things.

I'm angry at Becca's comments about the cookies, and the "payment" comment about the cookies.

I'm tired and I want to want to visit Pola and Palmer tonight.

Lord I feel not appreciated.

But that's a lie. I am appreciated for making dinners. You have me where you want me right now. You have given me what you want to give me. You want my heart not just my outward action and service. Service is out of the overflow of my heart. You are helping me.

My worth is not in what leadership positions or positions I have. It's in my heart, which you have deemed valuable. You died for this heart. My security is in you Alone, not in a job or a task. Sorry for believing lies. Sorry for comparing myself to these other women. Help me to be a support and to pray for them and have mercy and patience with them as they transition. Please bless my relationship with Jess.  I ask that you do a miracle in my heart just like you have done with the finances. Lord please help. I need your grace and your mercy.

I believe you are going to help me with work. THank you.
I believe you are going to help me with Jess. Thank you .

I believe you will overcome this comparision and worth in what I do rather than who you are. Thank you.
You are enough for me.

Help me to trust you. I surrender all my thoughts to you. Help me to dwell on your return today!

Love Kristina

Romans 12:1-2 NLT

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. 

Learning to Prioritize

But we can’t do it all. It’s just not possible.

So I’m learning to prioritize, and asking for grace, and trying to not wish away these crazy days, but instead, to relish in them.

The amazing thing I’m learning as I experience my own inability to do it all though, is God’s amazing ability to indeed do it all. And more.

To meet every need. Every dream. And exceed them all.

In my own humanity, I’m seeing more of His deity. His power. It’s by the power of His grace alone, after all, that I’m able to find joy in the crazy.

When I am weak, He is strong.

And for that, I don’t mind so much that I can’t meet every need.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
~Ephesians 3:20-21

Learning How to Die

I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
She says, "I love you
I'm gonna miss hearing your songs"

And I said, "Please,
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away"
She said, "Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die"

Hey everyone
I got nowhere to go
The grave is lazy
He takes our body slow

And I said, "Please,
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away"
She said, "Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die"
Die...Die...
I've been learning how to die


Well, it depends on what you mean by depressing. They are definitely sobering, that's for sure. 'Fall' is about the act of dying and 'Winter' would be the act of death or hibernation, however you want to put it. I think "Learning How to Die" is a good song. It talks about all of this. 

I used to think that life was kind of accumulating, that you were continually learning more, growing more, understanding more. Then I had a few events in my life that made me realize that life is actually about surrender and losing, in fact maybe giving yourself away. So maybe 'Winter' is the most honest season. So I don't think it's a depressing thought 

but it certainly is a sobering thought to think that this life that we've been given actually has a purpose of surrender rather than conquest."

"Learning How to Die" - Song by Jon Foreman

Today I had lunch with Dad - we got subway and then went to the park - found out that Dad and I like alot of the same things on our sandwich...shredded lettuce, tomato, pickles...then he got onions and sweet onion dressing and I got light mayo and chipotle. We went to the little park. I realized that Dad and I both like discussing plans and getting things finalized and talking business in that and then once that's out of the way we relax. We talked about plans for Christmas car rides and Gma's bday and planes/hotel and Israel, cooking and about Joe busken and Paula Biren.  I noticed dad gets frustrated at drivers on the road. Hmm..we are alot alike :) haha

Excited to see Anne with Sam and pray and visit Gma Dell beforehand. That should be wonderful.

I'm thankful that Queenie can take me to go pickup my car today at SGA and that they lowered the price to within my range for my window getting fixed.

Lord please bless the time with Anne and with Becca tonight. Please be my words and help me to listen and not get defensive...Lord be my strength and help me to love her like you do. I need your humility.

I need your help to do my kitchen chore, do the SR and getting gas..and getting dry shampoo. Lord I give over my planning to you. Please help me. Thank you for yesterday and how you helped me :)

Lord help me to love Allie and Ian like you do on our car rides. Please give me your perspective and help me to care for them like you do.

Lord I want to love you Please take my anxiety. Help me to do these pending orders with joy and gladness in my heart.