Prayer 7-21-22

 Lord I'm not sure what's going on - I feel so angry and frustrated. Lord I don't like telling people no and then being not satisfied with me. I don't like that things were missing and I was part of it. I don't like that I made an insensitive joke. I don't like that woodhull didn't let me do back ups at first. I don't like that I'm not able to focus. I don't like telling J and J and D what I really think of the book club. 

Lord you are the one who gives me the desire and power to do what pleases you. Will you please help me to trust you with the envelopes and the labels and the awkward feeling. Lord I'm mad. I'm not even sure why. I don't feel respected - Really I feel like he is disappointed in me - I'm sorry for making this about me. Lord help me to be humble and to care about others. Lord I bless Kory - I ask that you would help him in these challenges and help me not to take responsibility where I shouldn't. I give it to you - I give you the missing paperwork, I give you the hard book club convos. I give you the anger at Woodhull. Lord I release this pressure to  you. Please I ask that you would give me the Love I need for my coworkers. Please help me to really love them enough to tell them the truth. God help me to share the gospel with Jenny. I need your love to be more than me being uncomfortable. God I need you - i need your help. Please deliver me from fear. I ask for your help with doing the client scans and the confirmation calls. and the postcard email to advisors. I need focus and help to get it all done. Will you please help me to trust you Lord? I need your help! I forgive Natasha - I'm sorry for talking about her this morning and bringing it back up. I'm sorry. Please help me to forgive and let it go. I give it to you Lord - I won't bring it up again. 

"that is the first real prayer you've prayed in awhile"

Gal 5:24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Talking to God 7-20-22

 Lord I think I'm angry bc I don't get to take my walks today - I'm repent for getting angry - I submit to you. I'm sorry - will you forgive me for fighting you and not accepting this and accusing others. I receive this from your hand. Please help me to learn how to abide in you not just while walking but every min of every day. Please help me to commune with you during my time. Lord will you help me? Will you forgive me? 

"yes daughter, none of this has to be your death if you trust me with it. I will help you"

Thank you Father, this is good for me, I trust you with this difficulty. I give you my desire to walk and my fears of not connecting with you and getting fat for not excercising and blaming others for my difficulty. I'm sorry for wanting to manipulate to get out of this. I submit it to you. Will you please comfort me and help me Lord?

Thank you for all the times I have gotten to take walks

Thank you for your forgiveness - I don't deserve it

Thank you that you are worthy of my obedience and my trust

Thank you for your love

Thank you for my volleyball team

Thank you for the opp to go to bed earlier and start a new habit

Prayer 7-18-22

 Lord so this is first official day of no walks - it's so nice outside too - Will you help me to be content in you and serving our team in this way? Also will you help me with Seth today if/when he apologizes? I need your grace to be humble and gracious. Lord will you help me to not be distracted with desires for comfort in snacks or distraction in email. Lord I need your help with filing the client scans, QB scans, the bday posters for Shelly and Jodi - and doing some of the things I do on Tuesday today (snacks, Social contract quotes) - Will you help my thoughts to be good and pleasing and not fleshly? I need your help today to trust you - especially with the aldi groceries too - Lord will you help me? 

Thank you for your help with the shuffleboard tournament and with not taking walks. Thank you for the peace that I feel. Thank you for the salad for lunch and the warm mashed potatoes. Also thank you for this Hidden smile book that is helping shape how I view suffering. Thank you for the time yesterday to clean my apartment - it really needed it! AND to read the rest of the Happiest people book - oh how that touched my heart that you spoke to Rose just when the lady was hopeless. You are so good. Thank you for your goodness. You know what we need when we need it. Lord will you help me to pray? to pray according to your will - and to really have faith?

7/13/22

 Lord help me to talk to you today

7-5-22

 Lord I need you! Please will you free me from the grip of control of finances and my life. I'm scared to spend money on groceries - I need your help Lord to trust you. 

Open the Eyes

 What is the fruit of what you are doing?

The fruit of dwelling on past wrongs? 

No, the fruit of the actions towards your sisters.

Self preserving, hiding, anger, pride, self pity, deception, living in the dark, misery, alone

Do you think this is what I want for you?

No, but how do I get out of it?

Learning to love - love no matter how you are treated or you are perceiving. It's always the answer. It hurts to give but it's never worthless in my sight. I see every action. I want you to see others the way I see them. It's the "SAFE" way out you are seeking. To fully dive in.

Lord I see I can't fight rejection with rejection and hate with hate. Lord will you please help me to love and to forgive those who offend me. Will you please help me to be humble and not conceited so I don't get offended so easily. Will you help me to love and think about you and others more than how things are affecting me? Will you please help me to forget myself - the FREEDOM to not have to tend my own ego and to really love others? Lord I want to be able to truly love - will you deliver me and help me to do this?

"pray for your mom"

Lord please have mercy on my mom - Show her the worth you have placed on her bc of Jesus' blood and help her to be humble to receive your help and care. Please deliver her from the evil one. Please help her to receive your love and help. Please fill her with faith to ask you for help and deliver her from the evil one. Please help her to trust you with everything and help her to be okay with being wrong. Lord please bless her today - help her to receive your love for her and your care. Lord deliver her from this oppression and fear and help her to cling to you and your love. Please fill her up with your HOLY SPIRIT. Help her Lord, help her! 

"It pleases me when you pray for your friends" "I made you to be someone who prays" "That is what you should be known for" "I want you to be a woman of prayer and thanksgiving" I want you to change your attitude towards your sisters. The only way to do that is to pray for them. I give you your thoughts that way and not the other way around. Your thoughts about things only matter if they are true. I want to open up my thoughts to you, Kristina"

20 Out in the open wisdom calls aloud,
    she raises her voice in the public square;
21 on top of the wall she cries out,
    at the city gate she makes her speech:

22 “How long will you who are simple love your simple ways?
    How long will mockers delight in mockery
    and fools hate knowledge?
23 Repent at my rebuke!
    Then I will pour out my thoughts to you,
    I will make known to you my teachings.

Lord I want to think like you do about people rather than how I think. My mind is a scary place full of judgement, unmerciful, fear and murder. Cleanse me Lord! Help me to think with a PURE mind and a PURE heart. 

The pure in heart are centered on something singular, that is God. How Can We See God? Jesus promised that individuals who are pure in their commitment to God will see him. This uncovers a surprising thought regarding God’s kingdom. Most Jews would have learned, at an early age, that no one can see God and live; for he is holy. However, Jesus says that the individuals who get into heaven will see God.

Matt 5:8

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see you high and lifted up

Shining in the light of Your glory

Pour out Your power and love

As we sing holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy
You are Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy (I want to see You)
You are holy, Lord
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy (I want to see You)

6-30-22 Hard stuff

 Lord I feel stuck in my emotions - my back hurts and I keep thinking of all the way that Vicki, Brenna I have accused them of rejecting me. Lord I have hated them. That is not how you responded to rejection. You responded in love. In forgiveness. Lord I want to reject those who reject me. I want to hurt those who hurt me or that I perceive have hurt or offended me. Lord I am angry and afraid. Will you speak to me? Will you please show me what to do? I feel so trapped and miserable. I want out of this cage of bitterness. 

"Forgive your dad"

Lord I forgive my dad for not being an example of an authority that protects and instead being selfish and abandoning me. Lord I forgive him for not being there for me or for my mom. I forgive him for the ways he abused me mentally, emotionally and even if he physically did and I don't remember. Lord I forgive him for the fear and anger and control and the ways he manipulated me with money. Lord I trust you with my heart - please heal it where I am broken and desperate for a father's love and care. Lord I'm sorry for running to these other things for satisfaction and peace. Groceries, friends, guys, pride, accomplishment, looks - all of these things won't satisfy. Lord I forgive him freely and totally - cancel his debt against me Lord I forgive him TOTALLY. I give you the hurt I feel by his absence - I ask that you would use these things that the enemy meant for evil and turn them around and use them for good. Lord I give you the pain of my loneliness, the rejection, the desire for love and affection, my broken heart. Lord I release him from my expectations of being a good dad - he is a broken man who needs you. Please give me your compassion for him and to see him through your eyes. Lord I trust you. I release him to you - he is not mine - he is yours. Please fill that void in me that I wanted him to fill. Lord he has fallen short - he is just a man. I'm sorry for the ways I have idolized him and wanted him to be everything and wanted to be like him. Lord you are my real dad - help me to want you to be my everything and to be like you. Lord I'm sorry for being unmerciful, bitter and unkind towards him. Soften my heart. Please give me a heart that longs to love. Fill me up with your desires and the way you view things. Help me to let him go into your loving hands. Lord I give up control - I ask that you would send laborers to him - convict him - make his sin like dust in his mouth - dissatisfy him with the world and deliver him from the evil one. Lord I surrender - take over. Take the wheel with my dad and with my life. I forgive him TOTALLY. All of it - anything he has done - I give it to you - I forgive him - he is free of debt to me. Lord will you fill me up with your love?

"one step at a time"

"I need to empty you so I can fill you"